Uncovering the Imprisoned Part: A Personal Exploration Through IFS

If you know me well enough, it wouldn’t surprise you to hear how I spend a few hours on the weekends. Yes, I’m that person who always shows up at open houses around the neighborhood. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to snoop around other people’s homes. It’s just that I’m always thinking about moving. And I mean always.

Since starting parts work through Internal Family Systems (IFS), I’ve been paying closer attention to the part of me that carries this constant urge to move. I've come to understand that it stems from a part who feels trapped. More specifically, I’ve identified an exiled part (my younger part) who has felt emotionally imprisoned in this small city in Illinois for years.

I remember the day I arrived in the United States like it was yesterday. I was scared, yes, but also incredibly excited. I had dreamed of finally living with my dad, whom I hadn’t seen in years, and was counting down the days until my mom would join us. More than anything, I was hopeful about our family being reunited.

But that dream unraveled on the way home from the airport. That’s when my dad told me he had not only gotten married but also had two children.

I panicked. It was dark outside. I didn’t know where we were. There was no way out of that car, and I remember sitting there in complete despair.

What amazes me now is how, even in that moment, my first instinct was to make him feel better. I was worried he might feel ashamed of what he had just told me. So I told him I understood and respected his choices. After all, it was his life.

Looking back, I can see how deeply ingrained that response was. As Susan Forward writes, “Many children of toxic parents find themselves constantly giving, yet never receiving. They grow up believing that love must be earned by self-sacrifice.” That moment in the car was my earliest lesson in emotional trade offs, where I began to silence my own feelings in the hope of preserving connection. (the connection that I longed for I should say)

It took about an hour and a half to reach his house, but emotionally, it felt like we traveled a thousand miles. That car ride marked a turning point in my life. It was the moment when my despair part fully emerged and became stuck in a deep emotional hole, one it has never quite climbed out of.

Through IFS, I’ve come to see that this despair part has actually been trying to protect me all these years. It has stopped me from making decisions that might have led to even greater pain. It helped me silence my own needs and wants in order to prioritize my parents' needs, all in the hope of earning their love and attention.

In its own way, this part has done its best to keep me safe, even if that safety came at the cost of feeling stuck and emotionally confined. In IFS, we call this the “cost of despair.” The part that carries our despair is often a protector, but the protection comes with burdens: self-abandonment, isolation, and a deep longing for something more.

I never thought I’d reach a place where I could feel grateful for this part. But I do now. I’m learning to sit with her, to offer compassion and appreciation. I remind her that she no longer has to keep me locked away. I’ve outgrown the place where she once needed to keep me confined. I am no longer in danger. I have learned that I am worthy and that I deserve good things.

Recently, as part of my IFS training, I worked with another therapist and returned to the memory of that car ride. This time, I met that younger part of me not as a scared child, but as the adult I am today. Whole, capable, and loving. I sat with her in the back seat and gently let her know I was there. That she wasn’t alone anymore.

Then I asked, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

She looked at me and said, “I want options. I want to be able to process everything I was just told and choose what I want to do.”

And I told her, “You can. You absolutely can.”

I invite you to take a quiet moment to reflect. Notice if there is a part of you that feels stuck, burdened, or lost in despair. Perhaps it reveals itself through patterns you don’t fully understand, much like my part that constantly longed to move.

If you're able, pause and simply acknowledge that part. Consider expressing gratitude for the ways it has tried to protect you, especially during times when you had limited choices. You don’t need to change or fix anything in this moment. Simply recognizing its presence with compassion can be powerful.

When you’re ready, gently support that younger part in reconnecting with your Self energy—the calm, curious, and caring presence within you. While we cannot change the past, we can care for our inner child in the present. We can offer the love, safety, and agency that may have once been missing.

As the saying goes, “it’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”