Carried Shame and the Unburdening Process in IFS

Internal Family Systems (IFS) involves a deeply transformative aspect of healing known as unburdening. Richard Schwartz, the founder of IFS, describes unburdening as the process through which a part releases the extreme emotions or beliefs it has carried, often for years or even decades. These burdens, which were taken on in response to pain, trauma, or unmet needs, can profoundly shape how we see ourselves and relate to the world.

In my own journey, I came to know a young part of me that believed I was unlovable and unworthy, beliefs that took root after I experienced abandonment. Alongside this wounded exile, I discovered many protector parts who had taken on demanding roles: the hard worker, the people-pleaser, the caretaker, the perfectionist, the inner critic, and more. For a long time, I resented these parts and saw them as evidence that something was fundamentally wrong with me.

But as I engaged in IFS work and supported these parts in unburdening the beliefs they had been carrying, something shifted. I stopped seeing them as problems to fix and started seeing them as courageous, loyal aspects of me who were doing their best to keep me safe. With time and Self-energy, I was able to approach them with compassion. I began to feel love for all of my parts, for how tirelessly they had worked on my behalf, for nearly 50 years.

And yet, there was one part that continued to carry a heavy burden, a part deeply wrapped in shame.

This part held the shame of the violence I endured as a child. It also carried shame related to my own personal mistakes, situations where I felt I had failed to protect myself. For a long time, I couldn’t help this part unburden. The shame felt too thick, too fused with my identity.

Eventually, through gentle inquiry and presence, I realized something profound: the shame wasn’t mine to begin with. As Kelly McDaniel, the author of Mother Hunger, writes, "When a person behaves in shameless ways, disowned shame often attaches to someone else." That quote gave language to what I had begun to understand.

The shame this part carried belonged to those who harmed me, those who violated me when I was vulnerable and took advantage of my helplessness. These individuals never took responsibility for their actions. By refusing to hold their own shame, it was left for me to carry. It became a burden that attached itself to a younger part of me, one who didn’t have the capacity to question whether that shame actually belonged to her.

As a therapist, I now see this same pattern again and again, particularly in clients who have experienced childhood sexual or physical abuse. So often, they carry shame for being harmed, as if their victimization were somehow their fault. Many express anger and hatred toward themselves for not being able to stop the abuse, even though they were just children. Their protectors try to keep them safe now by being hypervigilant or self-critical. But underneath all of that is a burden of shame that was never theirs to carry.

I also see this in clients who have been betrayed, such as those who have witnessed infidelity by a parent or spouse. They, too, often carry shame, even though the betrayal was not theirs. It’s as if the shame leaked out from the person who should have owned it and latched onto someone more vulnerable, someone more open.

IFS gives us a path not only to identify these burdens but to return them. We can offer them back energetically to where they belong, or release them into the care of something greater: the earth, the light, the wind, the universe. Unburdening is not about forgetting. It’s about remembering clearly, with compassion, and finally letting go.

If you carry shame that was never yours, you are not alone. Your parts are not broken. They’re trying to help you survive. And they don’t have to do it alone anymore.

Healing from shame, especially when it’s rooted in trauma, takes courage and deep compassion. When we begin to relate to our parts not with judgment, but with curiosity and care, we create the conditions for true healing. Your shame does not define you. The parts of you that carry it are not weak; they are survivors. And they deserve to be met with love.

If any part of this post resonates with you, I invite you to take a few quiet moments to check in with yourself. Notice if there’s a part of you that feels unseen, judged, or burdened. Approach it gently. You don’t need to fix it. Just be with it. Offer it the presence and care it may never have received. If you're curious about IFS, consider working with a therapist trained in the model who can help you safely explore your internal system and support your unburdening journey.